Yesterday I had an opportunity to have a meal with some of the members of my extended family. My mom is out of state visiting other family and so it was rare to be able to talk to my Dad without anyone around. While I don't talk to him very often, it was nice to catch up with him. While he was at the grill cooking steaks, burgers, and hot dogs he asked me how my hubby was doing and he wanted an honest answer and made sure our daughter was out of range so she couldn't hear our conversation. I guess I always assumed he didn't think much of what we go through because Mom for the most part acts like she could care less. I don't think she means to come across this way, in fact most people aren't comfortable with such conversation or how to approach chronic health issues. Dad wanted to know if my hubby was getting worse and I told him in some ways yes and in other ways no. It is difficult to explain the constant change that TBI and PTSD bring.
Dad said I look exhausted lately and he thinks I am depressed. He also said that he couldn't really blame me if I was because it isn't exactly the life I had dreamed of. While there is some truth in all of that I don't want to feel like a medicated zombie and I have tried antidepressants and that is how they make me feel. I don't want to be drugged in order to be happy. I instead take vitamins and vitamin D supplement and try to get adequate sleep and exercise. I try to watch what I am eating and making sure Its not an emotional thing. The truth is every day is tough because yes I do most everything myself, including the parenting of our two young children. It is also true that we are still thriving and there are definitely others out there that have it worse than us. I really try to not pity myself. God chose to keep my hubby alive that day in Iraq and I am thankful for the time that I do have with him.
I don't know what our future looks like or if any of the docs will figure out the best mix of meds to help hubby's quality of life, but for now I try to keep him comfortable through all of his pain and fatigue. He sleeps a lot and needs more care now than he did a few years ago. I just hope I can keep up with it all for the long run. Thanks for listening! I needed to get that all out.