Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Heavy Heart

So many days I struggle when I think about the depth of what his injuries have done to us.  I have to be honest that I am having a rough night.  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and at the end of the day I make all of the big decisions that most couples take for granted that they get to make together.  It has become more and more obvious to me lately how difficult it is for my husband to understand and follow a train of thought.  While I have known that he has severe frontal lobe damage for years, I guess I have ignored or not realized how directly that effects SO many aspects of our life. 

We have been trying to sell or rent out or house now since February of this year and I gotta admit I am getting tired of living in a state of limbo.  I have been praying lately and I feel like I cannot have this situation stay this way for much longer and have decided that if nothing happens by the end of September we will stop trying.  As much as I don't like living here I am trying to find the blessings it does offer.  I do love our house and I do love the Mom's group I go to.  God does not always give us what we want, in fact I think sometimes we are miserable because of our own selfishness and he uses those times to help us grow even though we can't see it at that time.  I have a feeling that might be what is going on here.  In fact, my husband and I were both talking about how we really do not have a church around here that we like at all.  It is tough to find one that is accepting and actually understanding of our situation without judgment.  The truth is many people say that they understand and will help us, but we have found to opposite to be true especially in churches which is really sad.

I don't know what our future holds or where we will be or if any of this will work out like I think it will, but I am going to continue moving forward and taking care of my husband and children.  In fact, as much as I don't want to be here the reality is that I am.  I need to get my daughter registered for Kindergarten soon.  I am putting that on my list for later this week.  Tomorrow I am looking forward to spending some time with a friend and supporting our WA Soldier's Angels Dine to Donate drive at Applebee's.   What are you doing this week and what have you been up to?

1 comment:

  1. A lot of what you wrote sounds like how I'm feeling these days. Photography helps me focus on God instead of the lousy situation we're still in, minus the medical obstacles you guys are going through.. and another child. I give you major props, girlfriend. It sounds like God is speaking to you the same thing He's been speaking to me, though I haven't found the words to put it down. This week I'm focusing more on my son, more on just enjoying him and letting him know that I appreciate every breath he breathes. I'm letting my husband know I support him and stand by his side no matter what. I'm reaching out to people to pray for them regardless of how I feel on the inside, because if I keep looking inward, I'm not going to be focusing on the solution, but rather, the problem. I also haven't been reading my Bible enough, and as you know, churches out here suck a lot too, and so if I don't read my Bible or go out of my way to look stuff up, there's prayer, and that's that... well, other than online ministry stuff, but.. I don't need to go there. You already know my thoughts. Another month has gone by without word of any kind about Nicholas's orders, and I can't tell you how that daily weighs on us, but it doesn't matter, because you unlike 99.9% of people get it. And I treasure you. Thanks for being there for me, and thank you for letting me be there for you, even though we can't get over to each other's house for coffee whenever. :)