I was dreading today, and rightfully so. You see it is Mother's Day and while I love that I am a Mom and my kiddos are incredibly precious they are 5 and 1, I still did not look forward to today. In fact I pretty much dread most holidays, I am sure you are thinking, "What is she crazy? Why would she say that??" Well the truth is and you can hate on me all you want, but I just don't want to have any expectations of anything anymore. In fact, I have never had a great Mother's day because when your kids are as young as mine are, the duty to take care of things is put on the husband. For most families that isn't a horrible thing, sure men in general have a tendency to be a little last minute or need extra reminders about an upcoming special occasion, but even so most end up making it happen in the end. When I first married my husband he was amazing at remembering the little things, when I flew in to TX so we could get married he greeted me with a kiss, a rose, and a stuffed donkey from Shrek. He knew that my love language was gifts and he could remember my favorite color and he knew that my favorite flower is red roses. Today is drastically different from then. It seems that every time I try to move forward and be normal I find constant reminders of how we just aren't. The invisible wounds come back to play and destroy the calm I once knew. My husband was so sick all day and was pretty much asleep all day. He missed out on an extended family dinner last night, and breakfast this morning. I try to not let it get to me, because it is just our reality, but I still find myself sad and mourning the loss of what use to be. What makes it even harder is to see all of my friends post on facebook what wonderful things they got from their kids and what their husband's did for them to make the day special. While I am happy for them, that they were blessed and remembered today it is tough for me to read. I am sure I just sound so selfish and down in this post, but I don't really care. You can judge me all you want. This is just my way of getting my feelings out and you will get the raw version of me here, so if you don't like it or have something nasty to say you can just leave. The truth is, I am used to this and every time a holiday rolls around I prepare myself for nothing, because that is easier than being disappointed. I don't blame my husband at all. He doesn't have the ability to remember things, and he can't drive either, so even if he could remember something well he would still need help to do anything. Sometimes, rarely someone will help him, but for the most part it is all just ignored.
Today I tried to think of positive things even though I was mourning for his former TBI/PTSD self. I wish I could go back to those days when his brain worked, but at the same time I am thankful for everything we have been through. I feel like we I have weathered more storms than people twice our age. Today I thought of and prayed for a friend who is still struggling to conceive after 2 years of trying to get pregnant. I am sure today is tough for her as well because I know how desperately she wants to be a mother. Today, I thought of everyone who has lost their mother and how sad and void they must have felt. This was my dad's first mother's day without his Mom and I thought of him. Even when I feel awful I try to remember how there is always someone with it worse than me, and I try to keep things in perspective. I will admit that is not easy to do, but I try. I smile because my little girl made me the cutest home made card and she is a very perceptive child. I think she is more aware than most 5 year old's.
I feel like I am starting to get sick with what my hubby has, and this isnt helping me either, but again I am going to try to not let that get me down. I am loading up on OJ and taking vitamins to try to stay healthy because all caregiver's know you don't just get to take a break because you are sick, it doesn't work that way. I am done for now. Until next time have a good one!